she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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