I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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