just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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