I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
