there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We're too hungover to prance.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
