why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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