I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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