"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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