Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
