oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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