I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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