remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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