You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
