I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
