You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
