We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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