toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
