youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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