At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
