Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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