i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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