She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
zippers are such a cool invention
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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