I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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