A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
