So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?