I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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