remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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