Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
