I seem to have left my pride at pride
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
