just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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