I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
