There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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