Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
