oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
