Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The air was thick with penises
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
