she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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