i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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