so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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