I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
