Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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