I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
