Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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