woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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