Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
