Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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