i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
