why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
