What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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