make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
im on a boat
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