I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
