This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
