Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
