this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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