Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
