I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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