i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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