she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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