Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
