I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
