Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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