I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
