Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
