Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
