remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
