you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just want nice things and good sex
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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